a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
