Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
