So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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