is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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