I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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