words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
