I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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