I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
