getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
