Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
