So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
