11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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