I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
