He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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