Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
