Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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