I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
