i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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