how can u be prego again
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
