oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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