i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
