Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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