Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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