Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
