I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
