You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
