So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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