I think my fart just growled at me.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
