I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
