My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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