he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
