He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I pour the whiskey from now on
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
