Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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