im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
