Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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