I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
