last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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