So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
