mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My underwear smells like fireworks.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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