How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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