I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
