hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
