she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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