i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
