I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
