take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
as a side note pls kill me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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