It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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