Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
