I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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