you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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