Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i dont even know how to be here
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
