i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
