I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
