My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
