I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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